How to go to the Movies: The Right Way
This is not an opinion piece. This is a survival guide. Gems of advice mined through years of experience and shaped through countless hours of trial and error. There is a right and wrong way to go to the movies. If you're doing it wrong I want to make one thing very clear. It's not your fault. You've been lied to, manipulated. You are the product of an industrial propaganda machine that has been churning out misinformation for decades. It's okay. There's still time to make it right, and I can show you how. Be forewarned, once your mind has been opened there is no going back. You will be reviled by the casual moviegoer and derided by your friends. You will become a lightening rod for persecution. It's all worth it. I promise.
Always, always, always go to a matinee (preferably on a week day).
This is the absolute best way to avoid the #1 cause of a ruined movie experience: children. Whether a screaming baby or a couple of horny teenagers, kids are a distraction. Their gleeful laughter at the fancy lights and sounds won't disturb you if they're at school. Take advantage of the 8:00-3:30 break we get every day and enjoy yourself. Your boss won't mind if you take a long lunch or leave early once or twice a week (they're probably doing it too).
IMPORTANT WARNING FOR STEP 1: This does not apply to the summer months when kids are not at school. Fortunately film studios have taken the liberty of filling all theaters with garbage from May to September.
Dear reader, you have been lied to. For too long have you been assaulted with images of couples and groups of friends going to the movies together. For too long have the lone wolves been mocked. Simply put there are two kinds of people, those who prefer to go to movies alone and those who have never tried it. Going alone not only makes you look like a serious film buff but also means you get to pick where you want to sit. This also allows for you to see 2 or 3 movies in the time a normal couple or group would otherwise be eating dinner or having fun together.
Sit in the front
"But it hurts my neck." "I can't see everything." "The uninterrupted flow of cinematic glory is far too much for my tiny plebeian brain." These are all things you'll hear the weak minded (and weak necked) say about the best seats in the house. The truth (which anyone who sits in the front already knows) is that the front rows recline more. When you sit in the front it doesn't matter if that one douche bag keeps pulling out their phone. You can't see it. Plus the only reason anyone sits in the back half is to make out and you'd an asshole to disrupt that.
Bring a notepad
This one's simple. You wouldn't be going to the movies if you didn't plan on sharing your opinion on it later. Make sure that nobody misses out on how witty you are by writing down whatever crosses your mind. Remember to separate your thoughts into 'tweets for later' and 'long words that I think might apply to this movie and/or scene'.
Sneak in your own snacks
We all love movie theater pop corn. Its decadent and irresponsible use of salt and butter makes any red blooded American's mouth water. The taste of popcorn, however, is nothing compared to the thrill of the perfect crime. Feel like you're part of the action on your way into the Ocean's movie marathon. A few snack suggestions, pine nuts, dried apricots, hard boiled eggs, fruit leather, chicken in a bisket, California raisins, and Act II movie theater buttered pop corn.
Resent everyone in attendance
You deserve to be here. You were here for Mana-Ka-Mana. Where were they? They have no right to sit in your row while you ironically watch Suicide Squad. They probably don't even have any thoughts on Jared Leto's performance in Panic Room.
I've given it a lot of thought, and yes, baby Hitler is a sandwich.
Send me your stories beginning with: "I saw (B list celebrity) in a (fast casual restaurant chain)"
The original Ghost Busters is not that good